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Thursday, July 29, 2004

Pop quiz

Don't worry... this isn't anything like Mrs. Schubert's vicious 3rd period freshman English quizzes. This one is pretty easy, and it's only one question:

How long does it take to install a new high-speed cable Internet connection in a Bluffton home?

a) An hour. "It's a very simple process, sir. A technician just needs to enable your cable connection for Internet access and drop off a cable modem."

b) A day or two. "We have a few people who have appointments ahead of you, but we will be able to have your installation completed by the close of business tomorrow."

c) Just over two weeks. "Our scheduling department will forget to call you to make an appointment, and when you call back to remind us you exist, we'll come up with an excuse to delay you, such as having no cable modems in stock. Then we'll take another couple days to call you to inform you that our technicians won't be able to get to your house for another week. Finally, our technician will arrive but leave before you can confirm the connection is working. Your attempts to figure it out on your own will be futile, leading you to bribe your entire IT department to come over and take a look. But even they are defeated by technology. Finally, after you have resigned yourself to making another appointment with a technician, your connection inexplicably will start working. Have a nice day."

You have 30 minutes to finish. This test will comprise 90% of your final grade. Good luck.

Friday, July 23, 2004

Won't someone please think of the children?

Behold:

Yet another documented example of children's minds being warped in the city of Beaufort.

I'm not quite sure what's serving as this apparition's nose... an abnormally large carrot? Something that doesn't fit in well with the concept of "family entertainment"?

It doesn't really matter... the whole scene's a little creepy.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Evil clown terrorizes children in quaint southern town

But the children are fighting back!

Witness this brave young lad, who donned war paint to prepare for his epic battle against the evil circus horror.

Monday, July 19, 2004

Got a case of the Mondays?

Peter: When you come in on Monday, and you're not feelin' real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays"?

Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.

And in honor of that most-dreaded day of the week, I offer you this Office Space quiz. Take it only when you've got a few minutes to kill... it's 100 questions long and some questions are almost impossible. For the record, I got 80 out of 100.

Did I ever mention that my former landlord looks and acts exactly like Lumbergh?

Monday, July 12, 2004

Once upon a time ...

There was a pleasant lot at the end of the street. It was a pristine piece of land, overlooking the May River and filled with dozens of tall pine trees as well as live oaks decorated with Spanish moss. No house, no driveway, not even a mailbox. Just an acre and a half filled with trees backing up to the river.

Then the lot went up for sale. And it sold quickly. Based on the location and the size, I'm guessing the buyer tossed out close to a cool million for that handsome lot.

The first thing the new owner did was this.

Congratulations, new owner, for creating the ugliest goddamn site on Myrtle Island. Why in the hell would you buy that beautiful piece of land if this is what you planned to do to it?

Sheesh, now I sound like my hippie tree-huggin' girlfriend.

Wednesday, July 7, 2004

"Fool me twice and ... uh ... um ... you just can't do that ..."

After watching "Fahrenheit 9-11" last night, I can't imagine how anyone could possibly vote for Bush.

People have accused Michael Moore of releasing a hatchet job on the Bush administration, and yes, there is some creative editing, a few quotes out of context and a couple of over-the-top moments. However, it's tough to ignore the fact that 80% of the film is archival news footage of members of the Bush administration.

The most horrifying thing of all is how ridiculous Bush looks in the first half of the film, the pre-Iraq half, when he's sputtering out sentence fragments and ... and then it's chilling at how quickly the tone changes.

Then when I got home, I saw an interview with Ralph Nader on The Daily Show. As usual, I liked what I heard from him, but I can't vote for him this year. Nader claimed on the show that he mostly siphons voters away from the Bush camp, and I hope that turns out to be true. He did say, when asked if he'd rather have Bush or Kerry win in 2004, "Anybody's better than Bush."

Thursday, July 1, 2004

The hardships of living in a red state

If you go to fundrace.org and enter in Bluffton's zip (29910), you'll notice my area skews very heavily toward one particular presidential candidate (hint: it's not John Kerry).

I'm not striving to be Mr. Popularity around here, so we slapped up a Kerry bumper sticker at the end of the driveway about a month ago. When we got back from Alaska, it had been torn down.

I know I live in Bush country, and relatively few neighbors share my political views. But I thought the people around here were mature enough to allow other people to express their ideas, even if they disagree. I guess I was wrong.

Which is why I'm stunned that, after only one week in theaters, Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9-11" is coming to Hilton Head tomorrow. It surprised The Packet so much they put it on the front page today. It's just like The Packet - which is, of course, part of the America-hating liberal media - to give the film free press.

Even though Moore is a master at manipulating statistics and words to prove his theories, he's definitely a powerful and persuasive filmmaker who brings up controversial points even the America-hating liberal media won't touch. Which is why I'm seeing it tomorrow.

To make up for the stolen sticker...

Bumper sticker seen in Alaska: "Save the environment. Plant a Bush in Texas."

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