Sunday, October 31, 2004

Good omen

The Green Bay Packers beat the Washington Redskins today, so according to tradition, John Kerry will be elected president.

But if Kerry somehow loses on Tuesday, I won't have the Packers to blame. Instead, I'll pin it right where it belongs: squarely on the shoulders of this country's grossly uneducated electorate.

Posted by Brian at 6:28 PM
Comments (4)
Category: Sports

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Mail call

Four whole days elapsed between the time Debz stuck a Kerry/Edwards sign by the driveway and when some anonymous soul dropped a burned copy of the anti-Kerry "Stolen Honor" DVD in the mailbox.

What did this person hope to accomplish by doing this? By displaying a Kerry/Edwards sign, this is obviously not an undecided or sway-able household. Did this person realize he was being an arrogant prick by attempting to force his set of beliefs on us? Or did he actually think he was being helpful? Why did he anonymously leave the DVD? Is he a coward or just unable to defend his side in a debate? Was it even a he? And what would his reaction be if a copy of "Fahrenheit 9/11" mysteriously appeared in his mailbox?

All these questions would be answered if this person simply stepped forward. Then I also could turn his ass in to the feds for copyright infringement over the illegally produced DVD as well as postal tampering because of the unstamped, non-USPS package placed in the mailbox.

Posted by Brian at 7:23 PM
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Category: Politics

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Temporary turn to the Dark Side

This weekend will be a terribly difficult one for this long-time Chicago Bears fan who still has a copy of the Super Bowl Shuffle video, personally signed by William "The Refrigerator" Perry.

The Bears will play the lowly San Francisco 49ers so they may pull out a W. And it's the ESPN Sunday night game so I can actually watch it. But my anguish won't stem from anything Da Bears do or don't do. It's because this weekend, I'll be rooting for the hated Green Bay Packers. (Just writing that made me feel dirty.)

The reason is simple: the Packers play the Washington Redskins in D.C. this Sunday. Ever since the Redskins have been in existence, their performance in their final home game before a presidential election has foretold who wins the election. When Washington has won that game, the party that held the presidency retained it in the election; if the Skins lost, the ruling party was dumped quicker than Washington's own Generals.

It's true... the Redskins' streak dates back to 1936 without fail.

Go Pack Go. Now excuse me, I have a sudden overpowering urge to take a long hot shower.

Posted by Brian at 7:43 PM
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Category: Sports

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Stay away from Yellowstone

The National Geographic Channel can scare the bejesus out of me a lot more effectively than any slasher flick or color-coded terrorist attack scale could ever do.

Case in point: I learned there's a supervolcano simmering just under the surface of Yellowstone National Park. It has exploded three times in the geologically recent past: 2.1 million years ago, 1.3 million years ago and 650,000 years ago. Do the math.

As you may have inferred, this is no mere volcano. Ever heard of Mt. St. Helens? Krakatoa? Tambora? Mere cherry bombs compared to what this bastard would do when it blows (and the grim tones of the show's narrator informed me that it is "when" and not "if").

All of Wyoming, most of Idaho and a good chunk of Montana would be a smoking hole. Places as far away as Chicago would be coated with up to 3 feet of ash made of fine jagged particles of rock that can shred lung tissue. There's also the possibility that the explosion could trigger a minor Ice Age. Happy stuff.

But fortunately, the supervolcano would warn us in the form of earthquakes and increased geyser activity before it explodes, and this hasn't happened yet. But stay on your guard... the Red Sox are not only in the World Series, but they won the first game and are currently winning Game 2. At least they're not playing the Cubs.

Posted by Brian at 9:49 PM
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Category: Random

Friday, October 22, 2004

Southern hospitality

Congratulations to Will on his new job in Atlanta. Let me be one of the first to welcome you and Saraq to the Daily Show fodder also known as The South (get used to seeing these words in caps).

In addition to being happy for you two on your move, I'm also excited on a selfish level. Right now, my Beloit friends are only accessible with the assistance of Delta Airlines. But after November 15(ish), Will and Saraq will be less than four hours away via I-16. After spending four years in South Carolina, I have felt more than a bit out of the loop, despite the e-mails and phone calls. The ability to meet up with two great friends on what I hope will be a regular basis is definitely a welcome development.

On a non sequiturial note, make sure you get your hook up from Zim and his Crack Creme. Please note I'm not criticizing the product's effectiveness, only the ill-chosen brand name that is sure to make Marty laugh his damn fool head off.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Down the drain

The Macker saga continues...

We "fought" our way into the Toilet Bowl Championship, only to come up short against Gellin'. So ended the 2004 Macker tournament for the Packet All-Starz, and we prepared to leave the court, heads held high, but hands empty of any hardware.

But wait!

The ref beckoned and informed us that we won the Sportsmanship Award for our bracket. The illustrious Mackerville Gusette called the Sportsmanship Award "the most coveted trophy in all of Mackerville." I doubted the validity of that statement, but I wasn't about to turn down my trophy.

Later, we pondered how the hell we won the award. We weren't bad sports, but I didn't think we did anything to earn our honor. However, since a number of teams in our bracket were colossal pricks, I concluded we were simply the least objectionable choice for the award. Morgan took an even more cynical view, suggesting that by awarding the tournament sponsor's team something, that sponsor would be more likely to repeat its philanthropy next year.

In any case, I should mention that this was the Gus Macker World Championship. So not only were we the best sports at this tournament, we were the best goddamn sports in the world.

Posted by Brian at 10:35 PM
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Category: Sports

Saturday, October 16, 2004

Packet All-Starz

Morgan lets one fly

Caution: White boy jumping

The vaunted Packet All-Starz - comprised of myself, Morgan, Tom and Ryan - have survived the first day of the Gus Macker World Championship.

By "survive," I mean the four of us are still breathing and any competent doctor would proclaim us in good health, despite Morgan's monstrous daily salt intake. Our record, however, stands at a dismal 0-2.

Now here comes the part where I defend our performance.

1. This is the "World Championship" of 3-on-3. Every team playing won their bracket in the tournaments in their home cities. Except our team; we got in on a sponsor's exemption because we work for The Island Packet and The Packet ponied up some dough to plaster its logo on all the backboards. I think we did ok, considering we went up against some of the best teams from previous tournaments. We even led both our games 4-2 at one point and hung in pretty well throughout both. One of those elusive moral victories, I suppose.

2. The size factor: We were massively undersized compared to our opponents. Not making an excuse, but it's pretty tough for any of us to rebound over a 6-3 guy, especially when our combined vertical leap is just over a foot.

3. The health factor: Ryan spent most of the past 24 hours crouched over a toilet due to an unfortunate choice for lunch on Friday. He's our biggest player, and I'm just happy he felt well enough to show up.

I did discover one important thing about myself today: I suck at the fine art of trash talking. This revelation hit me when an opposing player, who probably weighed 275, crashed into Tom, who's 190 tops, as he received a pass. Tom went flying, the ref blew the whistle and Mr. 275 threw his hands up in the air and put on his best "What'd I do?" face to argue the call. I yelled at him, "You mauled him! It's a foul! Don't look so damn incredulous!"

Incredulous? What the hell was I thinking??? Oh well... on to tomorrow and the Toilet Bowl bracket. Ryan should feel right at home.

Posted by Brian at 7:26 PM
Comments (2)
Category: Sports

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

The big 2-9

Debz's birthday came and went, but she didn't get either of the two things she wanted from me. This remains a slobbering dog-free house, and I didn't hug a tree. However, I did not, as Chris suggested, piss on a tree instead to provide a "dosage of water and essential minerals." In my experience, most trees place great importance on their ~~personal~~ arboral space. I respect that and refrain (usually) from both hugging and urinating on our photosynthesizing friends.

What I did get Debz for her birthday was an evening of theater... tickets to the local arts center's production of "Chicago." The show was fantastic. Plus, we also got to play one of my favorite local games... Hilton Head is populated primarily by the over-60 set, and the audience overwhelmingly reflected this demographic. So when the final curtain fell, it was time for the Senior Citizen Obstacle Course Challenge. There were two stages... the first was winding our way through the rows, aisles and large groups of stationary septuagenarians. Once we successfully navigated a path out of the building and through the parking lot, we faced one final test: a motorized version of the Challenge, a kind of lightning round in reverse.

Because of my work schedule and the tyrannical Monty Burns-like attitude of my boss, we weren't able to partake of a birthday dinner until after the show. So Debz and I enjoyed an intimate late-night meal at the Brick Oven, with the romantic bass thump of the Uncle Kracker concert in the adjacent music hall providing the soundtrack, which was punctuated by the occasional raucous yawp from a stream of overzealously intoxicated music lovers passing by.

So everyone join me in wishing Debz a happy birthday. And remember Debz, next year at this time, you'll be 30.

Saturday, October 9, 2004

I can only find one Internet

I spend a lot of time on the Internet. I can't imagine how much time I'd waste if there actually were multiple Internets for me to surf.

Although it's pretty sad that the two men vying to be the most powerful man on the planet discuss foreign policy, the economy, the environment, the job climate and the war in Iraq, and all anyone's gonna remember is that Bush apparently doesn't realize how many Internets there are.

Posted by Brian at 6:16 PM
Comments (7)
Category: Politics

Thursday, October 7, 2004

Half-assed endorsement

All you South Carolina people, do me a favor... vote for Inez Tenenbaum for U.S. Senate. Although I have to admit, I'm not too excited about ol' Inez. After all, she's currently the Superintendent of Education in a state that certainly can't cite its public school system as one of its strengths.

However, I'll vote for her just to keep this asshole from becoming my next U.S. Senator.

Posted by Brian at 8:19 AM
Comments (6)
Category: Politics

Tuesday, October 5, 2004

Prediction

Tonight, the VP debate will go something like this:

It starts off cordially enough. John Edwards and Dick Cheney shake hands, neither throws a punch and then they retreat behind their respective podiums (podia?). The moderator asks Cheney the first question, which he answers calmly enough. Edwards' rebuttal points out all the Bush administration's failures during their first term. Cheney starts to scowl.

Edwards gets the second question and again, he hammers Bush/Cheney for their inexcusable actions during the previous four years. Cheney's rebuttal is curt and laced with obscenities. The crowd gasps and the moderator banishes Cheney to the penalty box for two minutes. More scowling.

Because Cheney's on the sidelines, Edwards gets the next question as well. Once again, the Democrat criticizes the failures of the current regime. Cheney doesn't get a rebuttal because he's still serving his penalty.

His face bright red with anger, Cheney resumes his post on the floor and receives the next question, a difficult one from the moderator about the lack of connections between Iraq and al-Qaida. Cheney, still red and seething, stammers out an answer comprised of unintelligible grunts.

Before Edwards can finish his rebuttal, Cheney suddenly screams. His face melts off and he grows to an astounding 10 feet tall. Pointed horns protrude from his skull and fire shoots from his eyes, immediately vaporizing the moderator and the first three rows of the audience. The survivors sprint for the doors as the vice president crashes through the wall, his bellowing rupturing the eardrums of everyone within 10 city blocks. By midnight, Cleveland is nothing but a smoldering crater in the ground.

Soon after, the Republican spin machine springs into action, sending hundreds of lackeys into interviews across the country: "Who do you trust to provide a safer America? A liberal trial lawyer who obviously hates freedom or the all-powerful Prince of Darkness himself, the very being terrorists cower from?"

In the morning, Fox News posts on its web site that, upon Cheney's transformation, not only did Edwards flee the debate in terror, but he pissed himself in the process! CNN, MSNBC and Oprah all pick up the story. However, the story is later proven to be false, and not only did Edwards' trousers remain cool and dry, but he also saved hundreds of innocent children seconds before Cheney destroyed an orphanage. Fox eventually retracts its story, saying the mistake occurred because of fatigue and bad judgment, not malice.

Opinion polls show a very slight bump for the Democrats. Bush continues to rate high on homeland security while Kerry/Edwards receive high marks for not being the personification of pure evil.

Remember, you heard it here first.

Posted by Brian at 7:12 PM
Comments (5)
Category: Politics

Friday, October 1, 2004

Kerry 1, Bush 0

Well, not much really to say about tonight. There's no doubt as to who won the first presidential debate. It will be interesting to see how Bush's handlers spin his fumbling, timid, insecure babbling, especially when compared to John Kerry's confident performance.

Kerry had no problem articulating his point of view in a concise manner, almost always marking the end of his alloted time with a verbal punch. Bush had trouble filling his 2 minutes and often fumbled some random strings of words together as he basically waited for his time to end.

Plus, we no longer have to hear the Bush team brag about how he has never lost a campaign debate.

And even better, after the debate tonight, I no longer feel like I'm voting against Bush. Now I'm voting for John Kerry.