Prediction

Tonight, the VP debate will go something like this:

It starts off cordially enough. John Edwards and Dick Cheney shake hands, neither throws a punch and then they retreat behind their respective podiums (podia?). The moderator asks Cheney the first question, which he answers calmly enough. Edwards' rebuttal points out all the Bush administration's failures during their first term. Cheney starts to scowl.

Edwards gets the second question and again, he hammers Bush/Cheney for their inexcusable actions during the previous four years. Cheney's rebuttal is curt and laced with obscenities. The crowd gasps and the moderator banishes Cheney to the penalty box for two minutes. More scowling.

Because Cheney's on the sidelines, Edwards gets the next question as well. Once again, the Democrat criticizes the failures of the current regime. Cheney doesn't get a rebuttal because he's still serving his penalty.

His face bright red with anger, Cheney resumes his post on the floor and receives the next question, a difficult one from the moderator about the lack of connections between Iraq and al-Qaida. Cheney, still red and seething, stammers out an answer comprised of unintelligible grunts.

Before Edwards can finish his rebuttal, Cheney suddenly screams. His face melts off and he grows to an astounding 10 feet tall. Pointed horns protrude from his skull and fire shoots from his eyes, immediately vaporizing the moderator and the first three rows of the audience. The survivors sprint for the doors as the vice president crashes through the wall, his bellowing rupturing the eardrums of everyone within 10 city blocks. By midnight, Cleveland is nothing but a smoldering crater in the ground.

Soon after, the Republican spin machine springs into action, sending hundreds of lackeys into interviews across the country: "Who do you trust to provide a safer America? A liberal trial lawyer who obviously hates freedom or the all-powerful Prince of Darkness himself, the very being terrorists cower from?"

In the morning, Fox News posts on its web site that, upon Cheney's transformation, not only did Edwards flee the debate in terror, but he pissed himself in the process! CNN, MSNBC and Oprah all pick up the story. However, the story is later proven to be false, and not only did Edwards' trousers remain cool and dry, but he also saved hundreds of innocent children seconds before Cheney destroyed an orphanage. Fox eventually retracts its story, saying the mistake occurred because of fatigue and bad judgment, not malice.

Opinion polls show a very slight bump for the Democrats. Bush continues to rate high on homeland security while Kerry/Edwards receive high marks for not being the personification of pure evil.

Remember, you heard it here first.

• Posted by Brian at 7:12 PM
• Comments (5)
• Category: Politics