Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Go directly to Gitmo

People take their Monopoly seriously. I remember Angie and Saraq almost coming to blows during one game over how much money gets tossed in Free Parking. Although I don't have the statistics to back it up, I would bet that thousands of close relationships (mother/child, maid of honor/bride, fluffer/porn star, etc.) have ended abruptly over allegations of Monopoly cheating, such as the rigging of beauty contests in which one player claims to have won second prize.

The deadly seriousness of Monopoly makes this version almost blasphemous. It's kind of like Monopoly, but instead of dollars, you're fighting for civil liberties. Instead of Rich Uncle Pennybags, you have John Ashcroft (it's admittedly a tad dated now). And, of course, instead of being sent to jail, you end up in Gitmo. And, much like the original Monopoly, I'm pretty sure the game is impossible to win.

Some assembly is required. If you can't figure out how to put the game board together, curl up in a fetal position and cry uncontrollably. The fact that this game even has to exist should make you want to do that anyway.

• Posted by Brian at 11:34 PM
• Comments (2)
• Category: Politics

Saturday, March 18, 2006

The result of sitting at home on a Saturday night

"I wish to clarify here that I am not against the animals. I have two cats, and they are very amusing. I have a particular fondness for those quasi-mammals called the monotremes -- the duckbilled platypus, the spiny anteater, and their ilk -- because they have beaks instead of teeth, and no external ears, and milk glands without nipples, and you have to admit that takes some gumption. Generally speaking, I think it is fair to say that I am a friend of the creatures of the earth when I am not busy eating them or wearing them.

"But recently I found myself once again at three in the morning cleaning up one of my cats' vomit, moving swiftly of course, so that the other cat would not swoop in and eat it. And at that moment, I confess I felt in my heart a certain measure of ambivalence about this relationship."

- John Hodgman in "The Areas of My Expertise"

Now I'm wondering if I found that passage noteworthy only because this morning both of my cats puked, which led to an otherwise unscheduled load of laundry.

However, it may be because Hodgman used the words "gumption" and "nipples" in the same sentence. Too bad he couldn't squeeze them into the same clause. That would have been impressive. Like this: Maybe Hodgman just didn't have the gumption, a word that sends many nipples atwitter, to do so.

Drat. So close. I'll keep thinking.

• Posted by Brian at 11:08 PM
• Comments (4)
• Category: Random

Monday, March 13, 2006

A Cozy Creek Cabin

Deborah and I spent last weekend staying in a little cabin in the woods near Asheville, N.C. The cabin's name (because rental cabins, much like pomeranians, must have cute names) is "A Cozy Creek Cabin."

Let's break this name down, starting at the end, with "Cabin." Our weekend home was certainly "a small, roughly built house; a cottage" or "a small one-story dwelling usually of simple construction." Cabin: check.

Moving on to "Creek." The cabin is located at the end of a gravel road, across a bridge that spans a small flowing body of water much too small to be a river but too large to be just a crick. Creek: check.

Finally, we have "Cozy," which in real estate parlance often means "really fucking small." Well, judge for yourself:

Yes, ladies and gentleman, there on the left is the kitchen sink. Past that is a cutting board, with a cabinet above that, and then a blender. After that, in a bold architectural statement, is the toilet. In the kitchen. A flimsy moving wall is all that shields the rest of the room from the bathroom activities within. It's definitely cozy... and perfect for those times you're sitting on the toilet and suddenly crave a margarita.

Other than the cabin, which actually was quite nice despite the bitchen (which is ghetto slang for kitchen+bathroom), the Asheville trip highlights include: Tupelo Honey Cafe and Blue Mountain Pizza for dinner (preferably visited on different nights), Early Girl Eatery (conveniently located directly above Tupelo Honey Cafe) for brunch. And no trip to Asheville would be complete without Malaprops Bookstore, the Chocolate Fetish and someone falling down a waterfall.

• Posted by Brian at 11:19 PM
• Comments (10)
• Category: Travel

Wednesday, March 8, 2006

Spotlight on ... Marty

This is the first in a series of entries that take a closer look at the people in my life. Actually, it'll probably be the only one because I just want to make fun of Marty, who gave me express written consent, to re-enact our IM conversation from earlier today.

But first, a little history of Marty. I met him when I was a sophomore and he was a freshman at Beloit because we lived on the same floor and had an Intro to Psych class together. This would have been '94 so I've known the bastard for 12 years now. We called him fuzzy Muppet head back then because he had a ... well, a fuzzy Muppet head. Over the course of the next 3 years, we became great friends, even though I had a hand in painstakingly recreating his room in the lounge one night when he was gone and left his room unlocked. Despite that incident, he never did get into the habit of locking up. He was also the founding member of an alcohol awareness group on campus, which makes the following conversation even funnier.

Marty is currently living in a sweet Chicago condo overlooking Lake Michigan and working at a job that I could never ever do. He's a good guy. He'd be quite the ladies man if it wasn't for the overpowering and constant smell of raw onions that permeates his being.

Without further delay, here is the aforementioned IM exchange with Marty. The next time I'm having a crappy day, I'm going to re-read this and crack up all over again.

Brian: how was atlanta?

Marty: it was awesome

Marty: except for the vomitorium

Brian: i thought vomit = crazy delicious

Brian: you didn't puke in their new house, did you?

Marty: no

Marty: in a hotel bathroom

Marty: 3 toilets, 2 sinks

Marty: sara, also drunk, took care of me as I slept on the parking lot floor

Brian: with that many fixtures, how could you miss?

Marty: it was a lot of vomit

• Posted by Brian at 9:52 PM
• Comments (3)
• Category: Friends/Family

Tuesday, March 7, 2006

Island in the sun

Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday.

Right now, you may be thinking, "Oh crap! I completely forgot! I need to figure out a way to weasel back into his good graces!" Rest assured, there is a way to do just that. It's called Pakatoa, and I thank you in advance.

• Posted by Brian at 11:50 PM
• Comments (1)
• Category: Friends/Family

Friday, March 3, 2006

New look

But sorry... it's just a prettied up version of the same ol' shit.

I screwed up my RSS feed too. The old one won't work anymore. I'll post the new one when (if) I get it working again.

Yay for me. The new RSS 2.0 feed works now.

• Posted by Brian at 12:46 AM
• Comments (2)
• Category: Tech/Geek