Friday, January 26, 2007

What part of 10 don't you understand?

I'm pretty sure it's a mathematical impossibility to purchase $225.64 worth of groceries and still abide by the 10 Items Or Less rule in the express lane.

Ok, it may be theoretically possible to pull this off at gourmet stores like Whole Foods or Trader Joe's, but if you're spending that much at Vons (which is Californian for "Safeway"), you are blatantly flouting the rules. And I believe punishment is merited. The bag boy should be able to radio the cart kid in the parking lot and notify him of which knees to go after.

Yes, I know it's Friday, and that should put me in a good mood, but since I was at the store buying chicken soup, orange juice, ice cream and Sudafed, this should be sufficient explanation as to why I felt such annoyance at Mr. 28 in front of me in line.

(Because the Weekly World News only holds my attention for so long, yes, I was counting. And even if Mr. 28 thinks he can pass off 8 boxes of Hot Pockets off as one item, he's still grossly over the limit.)

• Posted by Brian at 5:07 PM
• Comments (2)
• Category: Rant

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Oh hell yes

39-14. Sorry, New Orleans. Under other circumstances, I would have been rooting for you. Have a good offseason!

Unfortunately, I have been told that I am not allowed to dye Robin navy blue to match her orange brother. But what if we happened to have a large vat of navy blue dye sitting on the counter, and said vat was accidently spilled on the cat? That certainly would be a shame.

• Posted by Brian at 3:58 PM
• Comments (5)
• Category: Sports

Dead of night

There's a last-man-on-earth feeling I get at 4 a.m. when I'm finishing the overnight shift and the rest of the world is sound asleep. It's very peaceful. It feels like it's me and Luis, the security guard, on our own. But I don't think Luis shares my vision. He just asks if I want the TV in the corner on. I say no, and he turns it off, mutters something that sounds vaguely like "good night" and stomps back downstairs.

I'd probably feel the same way if this was the norm for me rather than the exception.

• Posted by Brian at 4:13 AM
• Comments (2)
• Category: Random

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

Another reason why the 20th century sucked

From the way I ran out of the room following my 10 a.m. meeting this morning, I'm sure my fellow attendees were thinking, "Boy should just leave if he's gotta go that bad."

Imagine their mixture of surprise and disgust when, instead of dashing from the newsroom, I plopped in front of my computer. I could almost hear their whispers: "Boy has some territorial issues."

However, my actions had nothing to do with an urgent bladder. I wanted to see what Steve Jobs had unveiled during this morning's Mac Expo keynote. Sure enough, it was the long-awaited iPhone. From the brief description I read, it sounded ok. It had some drawbacks: hard drive too small (4GB and 8GB models, and how much of that does the OS require?), forced partnership with Cingular (I have nothing against the orange blot, but I like choice) and that (sweet merciful crap!) $500-600 price tag. So, mostly unimpressed, I wandered off to the restroom and got back to work.

When I got home, I checked out Apple's iPhone demo site. I watched the whole thing. I looked down at my two-year-old phone and wanted to smash it against the wall in an explosion of obsolescence. No way should other phones continue to exist. I lowered my arm, half-cocked, because the iPhone is not available until summer. And it costs $500. So my Motorola flip-phone (that can't take photos, surf the Web or even text worth a damn) silently receives its nightly charge, not realizing how close it came to causing a couple hundred dollar deduction from my security deposit.

One question... when you go to the Cingular web site, why in the name of all things holy does it not have any mention of its new partnership with Apple? My only guess is that their entire marketing department is stranded in the latest blizzard in Colorado, a state that apparently has no Internet, phone, carrier pigeons or other communication with the outside world. Yes, the iPhone is not yet available, but there's really no other reason I can fathom as to why this heralded savior of technology isn't plastered all over Cingular's home page.

• Posted by Brian at 10:16 PM
• Comments (2)
• Category: Tech/Geek

Friday, January 5, 2007

Goal: To Make Morgan Jealous

I spent last night with a Naboo queen.

Ok, so I didn't actually meet her; I just was in the same room . And it wasn't actually a Naboo queen, of course, but the actress who played the role. She also starred in "Outsourced," which was screening at the local film fest, and the reason fate brought her to my general vicinity was to taunt Morgan.

She was quite fetching, even sans royal makeup, and she remains a beloved figure in the Star Wars universe for ordering the fatal hit on Jar Jar. The official word is that she did it to end his habit of constantly fucking everything up, but everyone knows she had him offed due to sheer annoyance.*

* This may be a backstory I invented for the character 15 minutes ago and may not be an official part of the Star Wars expanded universe.

• Posted by Brian at 6:36 PM
• Comments (1)
• Category: Music/Movies/TV