Cap'n Fun
This is a story of a man... a man named Cap'n Fun.
He didn't earn his title in the military. No, he earned it by stamping out enjoyment in general and mine in particular while I was growing up.
The Cap'n is my dad. This is his story.
A man, a plan, a canal, the Cap'n
Relaxing in the sun on a Saturday afternoon? The Cap'n will question if maybe your time might be better spent performing a good toilet scrubbing.
Visiting home for a few days and relishing your idle time? The Cap'n will proclaim that it's about time the lawn got mowed.
Deep into a good book by the fire on a frigid wintry evening? The Cap'n will decide you're the perfect person to shovel a spot in the snow so the toy poodle can take a crap without suffocating in the drifts.
The Cap'n's History
The Cap'n earned his moniker because of his anti-fun attitude. This comes from years of fun-killing behavior: making my friends do chores when they visited, filling up my summer Saturdays with yard work, insisting on adherance to a strict (and decidedly un-fun) schedule on vacations... the list goes on.
After being forced to help set up for a party at my house that he wasn't invited to, my friend Steve used the phrase "Cap'n Fun" aimed at Dad for the first time. It stuck.
The Cap'n did not learn of his nickname for at least seven years, despite our frequent use of the term just outside his presence. He is now extremely proud of it and signs his letters and e-mails to me as simply, "The Cap'n."
Enemy of the Cap'n
The Cap'n has sworn vengence against my answering machine.
Each time the Cap'n attempts to conquer his pesky foe, he fails in a hail of sputtering sentence fragments and mild obscenities.
The Cap'n vows victory will someday be his.
Selected Cap'n'isms
- "Why should I do it when I have two healthy childen who could?"
- "You're just a non-taxpaying crumbsnatcher."
- "Go out to the driveway and separate the big stones from the little ones."
- "No matter who your president is, you can't trust your government."
- "Heavens to Murgatroy!"
The Cap'n Today
The Cap'n lives with his wife Kathy in Illinois. The bizarre (and still unexplained) green, yellow and purple amoeba-shaped things the Cap'n had painted on the kitchen walls just before his wedding are now gone, thanks to Kathy's conflicting artistic vision for the room. And the large space over the stairs, in which the Cap'n had hoped to display a 3D Viking ship sculpture, currently houses Kathy's angel collection. After the unfortunate passing of Kathy's weiner dog, the Cap'n remains petless.
