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Sunday, December 9, 2007

More fun with billboards

Bail Clown

The tagline of this billboard suggests that this particular clown has needed a bail bondsman on a regular enough basis to have compared services and chosen a favorite. That's one messed up clown.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Guiding principles of the American workplace

Apologies to the prudish readers of my site for the profanity, but in one simple flowchart, this guy has captured a perfect snapshot of the mind of the American worker.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

MSG costs extra

Another nugget of joy from picturesque Desert Hot Springs:

$1 Chinese Food

I have not braved this particular establishment yet, and I doubt I ever will.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Hour's of "entertainment"

I always "crack up" when I see sign's that horribly misuse quotation mark's. I've always thought to myself, "Brian, you ought to quit your job and travel around the country taking photos of these signs."

Now, thanks to the magic of Flickr and the "Quotation Mark" Abuse pool, I can abandon that foolhardy quest and continue to earn a "decent" paycheck.

My favorite (of course) is corn-related.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

On notice

Admit it. When you're watching The Colbert Report, and Stephen adds someone to his "On Notice" list, you think, "I'd like to do that." Because we all have lists of people, places and things that anger us, even if they're not written down in an organized format.

But those days are over, thanks to some enterprising dude's On Notice list generator. Simply pop in what pisses you off, and in seconds, a cathartic image appears on your screen.

For example:

Brian's On Notice List

Just as a warning... anyone who places me on their "On Notice" list will face the consequences. I will not put said individual on mine. No, that would be too easy. That person will be banished to my "Dead to Me" list immediately and without warning. Harsh? Maybe. Fair? Definitely. Balanced? Probably not.

And before your ADD tendencies sweep you away, I would like to offer a hearty and public "Huzzah" and "Happy Birthday" to Will. Despite living only a few short hours away in Atlanta, we see him and Saraq way too infrequently. Gonna have to change that.

Monday, May 22, 2006

I dig the Pig

Good: Walked into the Bluffton Piggly Wiggly on a muggy Sunday afternoon and immediately saw three men, ranging in size from redneck skinny to pleasantly plump, blatantly flaunting the "No Shirt" rule.

Better: None of these men knew each other. They all ended up at the same store at the same time, and none gave a second thought to shopping sans shirt.

Best: A guy accompanying one of the shirtless shoppers actually did don a T-shirt that proclaimed that he "Will Fart for Beer Nuts."

Yes, these are the people in my neighborhood.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Heat kills

Children locked in cars on hot summer days apparently become incredibly happy in their dying moments, which makes Mr. Sun very angry:

Heat kills

This is from swanksigns.org, a site "dedicated to the art of mocking public works." My other favorites include "magic atmosphere" and "vampire monkey." I highly recommend extensive perusal of this site as a way to further procrastinate on whatever it is you're currently procrastinating on.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Overheard on Hilton Head

I've gotten a kick out of a site Morgan discovered called Overheard in New York. It's a blog where people contribute the weird things they hear while wandering around the city.

Which lead me to think, what would Overheard on Hilton Head be like? Today I offer my first entry. Debz and I were sitting in the Cold Stone Creamery on the island when an older guy comes in and asks for directions. The Cold Stone chicks (which, I might add, would be a great band name) fill him in. He thanks them and as he's walking out, he says, "I'd buy something here, but I have diabetes. It would cause me to die."

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Imagined conversation

Man #1: Excuse me, ma'am. Can you direct us to the nearest church?

Woman: You go to church?!? I love to pray!

Man #2: We need to find one because my grammy just died and left me a big wad of money. But if I take it back home to South Africa, the government will take it all! So I want to donate it all to a church here in America instead.

Woman: How generous!

Man #1: But first we like to pray over our money so God will help guide it to good use.

Woman: Awesome idea! I should get some money too! Then we can all pray!

Man #1 and #2: (in unison) Yay!

The trio goes to an ATM.

Woman: Here's $1800! Let's pray!

Man #1: First put your money in our Holy Handkerchief. We'll wrap it up so evil spirits can't penetrate it.

Woman: OK!

Man #2: Now we'll all close our eyes and pray silently for 40 seconds.

Woman: (shuts her eyes) Perfect!

40 seconds elapses.

Woman: (opens her eyes) Hey! Where'd you go??? ... Motherfuckers!

Honestly, I can't imagine that the actual conversation between the people in this article was any less ridiculous.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Please, think of the bunnies

Because I'm lazy, I'm not writing anything. Instead, I'm passing along a site of a huge asshole. But this asshole also makes me laugh... so enjoy. But personally, I prefer to order my edible pets by mail.

On a side note, I'm also pretty sure that the word "jewelry" is the toughest in the English language to type. I don't know which is trickier... the actual spelling of the word or the position and sequence of the keys used, but the combo defeats me every time.

Monday, November 22, 2004

That's not a truck, it's a space station

Move over H2 owners, there's a new king of overcompensation!

RTFA: "Calling the International CXT, or Commercial Extreme Truck, a large pickup is a bit like describing the Grand Canyon as a rather large river valley."

I'm sure it's only a matter of time before one of these behemoths pulls out in front of me about every half mile on Highway 278. Because if it's pointless, wasteful and costs a whole lotta cash, Hilton Head's on the cutting edge.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Koalas: Now Them's Good Eatin'

In the four years I've been working for a newspaper, I've received some goofy and bizarre e-mails. I have a thick folder marked "Crackpots" in my desk that I pull out whenever I need a good chuckle. Until today, my favorite was probably the guy who demanded I send him Andy Rooney's personal e-mail address. Andy and I are pretty tight, and I'm sure not about to jeopardize the magic of our relationship by telling the world his e-mail is cbsgrump@yahoo.com.

But I digress...

Today I received my new favorite. Someone wrote in to ask how much it would cost her to purchase two pet koalas (one male, one female) from us. This missive was, of course, immediately passed around to most of the office. Which led to a discussion as to whether or not koalas are legal to own as pets. A quick Google search produced this site, which resulted in me laughing my ass off.

I particularly like this Customer Testimonial: "My son has a lot of behavioral problems and his doctor recommended getting him a pet, but his puppies kept dying and we couldn't afford to keep going back to the pet store at $40 a pop. Thanks to Pets or Food, we can keep getting our son puppies as fast as he goes through them!" Signed: Loving parent, Deerpoint Florida.

I never did find out if it's legal to own a pet koala.

Monday, September 13, 2004

Help wanted

Small-town church seeks copywriter for promotional materials. Ability to use statistics in a way that does not completely embarrass the organization a must. Utter devotion to Our Lord and Savior preferred but not required. Position open immediately.

Friday, September 10, 2004

A picture is worth a thousand words

I'm not sure what's funnier... the fact that a bunch of cops found it necessary to fire off a press release to a newspaper before zapping each other with their brand-spankin-new tasers or the resulting pics (especially the "group stun") that published in said newspaper.

Wednesday, September 8, 2004

An evening of randomness

With deep gratitude to Vicki for the link, I give you (someone else's) presentation of a senior class portrait House of Horrors.

I find the visage of "Girlyman Guitarist" particularly humorous.

Friday, August 6, 2004

Wally's World

Before I take off for the weekend, I leave you with this nugget of joy from Dilbert's office slugmate, Wally. The concept is brilliant in its simplicity and sheer laziness.

Now I'm heading off to Raleigh to see the Barenaked Ladies yet again. I've lost count of how many times I've seen them live, but I'm fairly certain my attendance at tonight's concert officially qualifies me as a stalker.

Friday, July 23, 2004

Won't someone please think of the children?

Behold:

Yet another documented example of children's minds being warped in the city of Beaufort.

I'm not quite sure what's serving as this apparition's nose... an abnormally large carrot? Something that doesn't fit in well with the concept of "family entertainment"?

It doesn't really matter... the whole scene's a little creepy.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Evil clown terrorizes children in quaint southern town

But the children are fighting back!

Witness this brave young lad, who donned war paint to prepare for his epic battle against the evil circus horror.

Monday, July 19, 2004

Got a case of the Mondays?

Peter: When you come in on Monday, and you're not feelin' real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays"?

Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.

And in honor of that most-dreaded day of the week, I offer you this Office Space quiz. Take it only when you've got a few minutes to kill... it's 100 questions long and some questions are almost impossible. For the record, I got 80 out of 100.

Did I ever mention that my former landlord looks and acts exactly like Lumbergh?

Thursday, April 8, 2004

Three words ...

What. The. Fuck?

www.subservientchicken.com

How did THAT make it past corporate legal?

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

The Cruise

The Cruise

Hola amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had some heavy shit goin' on lately.

First and foremost, I been trying to collect these Pepsi iTunes caps with the free songs in 'em. I'm gettin' some help from this guy at my office who drinks Diet Pepsi, but throws out the caps. It's like he doesn't care about tunes and groovin'. He doesn't even realize he's tossing out a buck each time! Works out for me, 'cause when he leaves at night, he leaves his trash can outside his office for the cleaning people to empty. I'm rackin' up free songs like Henry Earl does mugshots.

Then we had this bonfire last Saturday, and my old lady was bustin' my chops, sayin' the place had to be clean like a museum or something. Like Morgan, Vicki and Jay are really gonna give a crap how clean the shower is. They're not even gonna see it. But all day Saturday, I'm on my hands and knees scrubbin' the almighty hell out of that shower. At least the bonfire was ok. The flames were like 30 feet in the air. I kept waiting for my uptight neighbor to call the pigs on us, but everything was quiet on his side.

But today I just about had it at the Piggly Wiggly. All around here we got these old folks who ain't got nothin' better to do than to waste everyone else's time. I always get stuck behind these old farts who buy $25 worth of stuff, then wanna pay for half with a credit card and the other half with cash. Now I wouldn'ta got behind this dude if I knew he was gonna take as much time as two people. Three, actually, since he was so old and slow. But the other lines are long now so I gotta deal with the hand I'm dealt. He pays with his card, and he takes forever to sign his receipt 'cause he's got that shaky old man's handwriting. Then after the cashier rings up the stuff he's payin' cash for, the bastard pulls out a $100 bill! For $11.02 worth of stuff! I woulda blown my top at him, but the cashier was pretty hot, and I didn't want to blow any chance I had with her by actin' like an asshole. Besides, I got a chance to check out some in-line literature about Jack Nicholson's coke nightmare and how some chick gang in prison is already planning to make Martha their bitch. And I managed to get in some really good looks at the cashier's rack. So the time in line wasn't totally wasted. Every cloud has a silver lining, folks... remember who you learned that from.

So until next time, I'll leave you with some advice from REO Speedwagon: Keep the fires burnin' hombre. Keep 'em burnin'.

Monday, February 23, 2004

Worse than a thousand wedgies

Public humiliation is hysterical.

Monday, February 2, 2004

Get ready to freeze, Yankees

Thanks to that loser groundhog in Pennsylvania, you're due for six more weeks of winter.

Down here in the South, I'm about to enjoy an early spring. So says Gen. Beauregard Lee, anyway, and he's ALWAYS right. At least, more often than "that other one." After he was finished prognosticating, Beauregard was treated to a breakfast from Waffle House. Gotta love the South.

UPDATE (2/4/04, 7:45 p.m.): Not only did the above random pointless entry inspire Marty's rant about the Civil War, it also spawned Vicki's tennis column this week. Soon, I hope to be a major influence on national public policy.

Saturday, June 21, 2003

The Onion rocks

You know why The Onion is so damn funny? Because sometimes they come up with something so true to life, it's scary. This is one of those times. This is me.

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