briandearth.com

Thursday, January 24, 2008

He's in presidential candidate heaven now

Best quote I've ever heard about Dennis Kucinich was uttered today by a copy editor: "He's like Harvard. It's nice to dream but you gotta pick someone as your Cal State-Long Beach too."

And on a completely unrelated note, the actor who plays Kenneth the NBC page is not only the best thing about "30 Rock," but eventually he'll look a hell of a lot like John Edwards.

Wednesday, November 8, 2006

A fool and his money...

G.W. Bush, Nov. 4, 2004: "I earned capital in the campaign, political capital, and now I intend to spend it."

G.W. Bush, Nov. 8, 2006: "Oops, guess I shouldn't have spent it all on trampolines, hookers and blow. Sorry, Rummy."

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Hating Ohio, part deux

Sen. Kerry

When I found out I had a chance to see a former presidential candidate make a speech, especially a Democrat and especially around here, it wasn't a hard decision. So we headed to Charleston this morning to sit in on John Kerry's town-hall meeting on health care.

Kerry spoke very passionately about a bill he wrote called the "Kids First Act." (As was the case with Gore after the 2000 campaign was over, if this was the Kerry America saw in '04, we'd have a different president right now.) Kerry admitted to a couple holes in the bill, but as he also pointed out, he has offered one more health care proposal than the actual president.

And even though the scheduled topic was health care, Kerry didn't hesitate to slip in a few good shots at Bush's total incompetence in handling Hurricane Katrina, the war in Iraq, the educational system and well... pretty much everything.

The best part: I didn't have to sign a loyalty oath to get in or risk getting arrested simply by showing up.

The worst part: I didn't get a chance to ask Morgan's question: "Senator Kerry, if you could relive the 2004 campaign, and a group slams you on your service in Vietnam, especially when your opponent never served overseas, would you reduce the amount of time you took to respond and counterattack?" (This is the question as I would have asked it, not as Morgan wanted it phrased. Morgan's preferred version included several f-bombs as well as a couple "assholes" and a "dickhead.")

Thursday, July 13, 2006

I like to imagine conversations

KR: "Hey! Isn't it funny that now that I'm safe from prosecution*, we can brazenly splash that Valerie Plame thing all over the place? Ho ho ho, we really pulled the rug out from under 'em on that one! Let's all go down to the Asshole Cafe and celebrate with a few drinks. And bonus! This little item is taking the media's attention away from that little mess we created in Iraq. Zing!"

KR: "What do you mean, she's suing me? Yeah, I ruined her career and put her life in danger. So what? Can'tcha take a joke? Tell her that her husband shoulda kept his big trap shut!"

KR: "Ah well, no big deal. We'll just get one of her old CIA cronies to 'drop the lawsuit' for her. I promise we won't leak that agent's name! HAHAHA!"

* And why, again, is that the case?

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Save the environment, plant a Bush in Texas

(bumper sticker during the '04 campaign)

Don't Mess with Texas

Deborah's brother Scott published an excellent essay on the Texas League of Conservation Voters blog about the proposed border fence between Mexico and the U.S. In addition to being expensive and most likely ineffective, a border fence would have a destructive impact on the area's wildlife, like jaguarundi and ocelots. A decline in their populations would be most unfortunate because now that I've developed a taste for them, I can never go back to plain ol' beef or chicken.

Seriously, Scott's essay is very well-written. Check it out.

However, I was a little confused when I visited the organization's Who We Are page. Surely I missed the name of one of Texas' most influential families. I checked again. Nope. No one named Bush on the board. At first, I thought it simply might have been an oversight by the group's web guy, but as I thought about it, I realized that the Bush family doesn't crave public recognition for their charitable work. Whichever Bush serves on the board must have specifically requested that his or her name not be revealed publicly. Their hard work would be reward enough.

Yeah, I bet that's it.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Go directly to Gitmo

People take their Monopoly seriously. I remember Angie and Saraq almost coming to blows during one game over how much money gets tossed in Free Parking. Although I don't have the statistics to back it up, I would bet that thousands of close relationships (mother/child, maid of honor/bride, fluffer/porn star, etc.) have ended abruptly over allegations of Monopoly cheating, such as the rigging of beauty contests in which one player claims to have won second prize.

Go ta Gitmo

The deadly seriousness of Monopoly makes this version almost blasphemous. It's kind of like Monopoly, but instead of dollars, you're fighting for civil liberties. Instead of Rich Uncle Pennybags, you have John Ashcroft (it's admittedly a tad dated now). And, of course, instead of being sent to jail, you end up in Gitmo. And, much like the original Monopoly, I'm pretty sure the game is impossible to win.

Some assembly is required. If you can't figure out how to put the game board together, curl up in a fetal position and cry uncontrollably. The fact that this game even has to exist should make you want to do that anyway.

Wednesday, December 7, 2005

Bush to religious right: Suck it

It cracks me up when the religious right gets their undies in a bundle.

And it's even better when someone pumps out quotes like, "I think it's more important to put Christ back into our war planning than into our Christmas cards." I bet Bob Edgar is sitting at home right now, praying that he doesn't make a cameo appearance on "The Daily Show" tonight.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Busy day

What a coincidence... Looks like Scott Peterson and the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge both got the death penalty on the same day.

I know what Peterson did to deserve his fate. I guess ANWR was just in the wrong place (above a possible oil reserve) at the wrong time (during the Bush administration). Developing ANWR is bad, but even worse, this vote probably sets back funding for research of alternative energy sources at least 10 years.

Of course, it's a small price to pay for making sure gays can't get married. We really dodged a bullet there!

Thursday, February 3, 2005

Oops

I fell asleep and missed Bush's State of the Union address. I'm kind of nervous right now, not knowing how well the country's doing. I hope we're ok.

I know! I'll check Fox News! They'll give it to me straight.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Magnets for all!

Because of my earlier post about the Support Our Troops magnets, I received a gushing e-mail from Betty R., who runs aboutmagnets.com.

Seems Betty was impressed enough by that one post to add a link to my site to her list of dozens of other sites dedicated to hawking those things: "I think you have a fantastic site, and would look for your interest in networking our websites together more closely for mutual benefit." If I link back, which I have above, she will "modify your listing to premium status shortly."

Wow, all that just because I wrote a couple paragraphs on my theory that people buy these things to be trendy rather than out of actual heartfelt support for the troops.

Now it's off to Atlanta for Will and Sara's "Aw crap, we just realized we live in the south" party.

Sunday, January 9, 2005

Support our troops

What exactly is the point of all those "Support Our Troops" magnets plastered on cars all over the place? Since everyone in this country (except for, of course, John Kerry and Michael Moore) does support the troops, aren't they redundant?

Perhaps the bearers of these magnets are simply more supportive, and thus more patriotic, than those of us who have not invested $3.99 in an automobile accessory proclaiming our unflinching dedication to the war troops. Maybe those of us without magnets are supposed to feel guilty over our unblemished bumpers. Or maybe people are afraid that when they drive down the street, people notice their lack of a magnet and think "Hey, that guy doesn't have a magnet! I guess he doesn't support the troops."

What would the neighbors think if you are the only person in your cul-de-sac without a magnet? Tsk, tsk, freedom hater.

This is the magnet that people should be buying.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Why does the world hate America?

Maybe part of the reason why is because the United States is spending $40 million on Bush's inauguration blowout while only forking over $35 million to aid victims of the tsunami.

Wouldn't it be swell if all those private donors who are funding Bush's inauguration got together and decided instead to send their money to Sri Lanka and India?

America isn't stingy. We're just selfish.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Another site that makes fun of religious zealots

Today I learned that:

The only way to make Pat Buchanan seem almost tolerable is to plop him next to Jerry Falwell.

Crossafire

This site also reveals that "Catch 22" is the Bush administration's daily blueprint. But if you think about it, the "Catch 22" theory explains quite a bit. And if you click on the graphic I shamelessly stole from these fine satirists, you also can take a gander at Colin Powell socking Falwell in the jaw. Good times.

Now I'm off to pack for a long weekend in the North Carolina mountains (with a possible brief foray into Tennessee, if we're feeling adventurous or lost). I will have no electronic devices with me, save for my iPod and Batman utility belt.

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

Twirling twirling twiring toward freedom

"In an American election, there are no losers, because whether or not our candidates are successful, the next morning we all wake up as Americans."

- John Kerry, in his concession speech.

I'm proud to say I voted for John Kerry in 2004. But unlike in 2000 when I voted for Al Gore, this time I am in the minority.

The majority of America apparently welcomes another four years of restrictions on our freedoms, soaring deficits, a culture of fear, corporation corruption, arrogant isolationism, and a "stay the course even if it's obviously failing" mentality. All that plus a possible Chief Justice Scalia. No parting gifts for us this time; we're getting the Grand Old Prize.

Those of you who are disappointed about the outcome and are already talking about moving to Canada, I know you're joking. But in the off chance that you're serious, please don't. This country needs all of you here so it doesn't slide into a one-party theocracy.

George W. Bush may have won this election, but his margin of victory was razor thin. As long as the minority continues to speak its mind, we will be heard. And I believe the minority will shout even louder now.

Now watch this drive!

Long night

It looks like this presidential election will not be decided tonight, and the country have to wait for everything to shake out in Ohio (and maybe several other states) for a final winner to emerge. I'm encouraged that the Kerry/Edwards camp is not willing to throw in the towel. They know this is way too important to let go.

Even if Bush wins re-election, he will not be my president, and he never will be. Bush and the people in his administration do not represent my values and what I believe in. I think a lot of other people in this country share this opinion.

If he wins, Bush is going to come on TV and preach to us that he will unite this country. It's not gonna happen. He promised us this in 2000. He had the last four years to make good on his word. He failed. After the horrors of September 11, Bush had an opportunity to unite this country and to be a good president, possibly even one of the best in American history. He failed. Miserably.

This is a divided country. Bush has proven that he will not change and he will not unite us. It's time for a change. On to the recounts...

Tuesday, November 2, 2004

Don't blame me

I voted for Kodos.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Mail call

Four whole days elapsed between the time Debz stuck a Kerry/Edwards sign by the driveway and when some anonymous soul dropped a burned copy of the anti-Kerry "Stolen Honor" DVD in the mailbox.

What did this person hope to accomplish by doing this? By displaying a Kerry/Edwards sign, this is obviously not an undecided or sway-able household. Did this person realize he was being an arrogant prick by attempting to force his set of beliefs on us? Or did he actually think he was being helpful? Why did he anonymously leave the DVD? Is he a coward or just unable to defend his side in a debate? Was it even a he? And what would his reaction be if a copy of "Fahrenheit 9/11" mysteriously appeared in his mailbox?

All these questions would be answered if this person simply stepped forward. Then I also could turn his ass in to the feds for copyright infringement over the illegally produced DVD as well as postal tampering because of the unstamped, non-USPS package placed in the mailbox.

Saturday, October 9, 2004

I can only find one Internet

I spend a lot of time on the Internet. I can't imagine how much time I'd waste if there actually were multiple Internets for me to surf.

Although it's pretty sad that the two men vying to be the most powerful man on the planet discuss foreign policy, the economy, the environment, the job climate and the war in Iraq, and all anyone's gonna remember is that Bush apparently doesn't realize how many Internets there are.

Thursday, October 7, 2004

Half-assed endorsement

All you South Carolina people, do me a favor... vote for Inez Tenenbaum for U.S. Senate. Although I have to admit, I'm not too excited about ol' Inez. After all, she's currently the Superintendent of Education in a state that certainly can't cite its public school system as one of its strengths.

However, I'll vote for her just to keep this asshole from becoming my next U.S. Senator.

Tuesday, October 5, 2004

Prediction

Tonight, the VP debate will go something like this:

It starts off cordially enough. John Edwards and Dick Cheney shake hands, neither throws a punch and then they retreat behind their respective podiums (podia?). The moderator asks Cheney the first question, which he answers calmly enough. Edwards' rebuttal points out all the Bush administration's failures during their first term. Cheney starts to scowl.

Edwards gets the second question and again, he hammers Bush/Cheney for their inexcusable actions during the previous four years. Cheney's rebuttal is curt and laced with obscenities. The crowd gasps and the moderator banishes Cheney to the penalty box for two minutes. More scowling.

Because Cheney's on the sidelines, Edwards gets the next question as well. Once again, the Democrat criticizes the failures of the current regime. Cheney doesn't get a rebuttal because he's still serving his penalty.

His face bright red with anger, Cheney resumes his post on the floor and receives the next question, a difficult one from the moderator about the lack of connections between Iraq and al-Qaida. Cheney, still red and seething, stammers out an answer comprised of unintelligible grunts.

Before Edwards can finish his rebuttal, Cheney suddenly screams. His face melts off and he grows to an astounding 10 feet tall. Pointed horns protrude from his skull and fire shoots from his eyes, immediately vaporizing the moderator and the first three rows of the audience. The survivors sprint for the doors as the vice president crashes through the wall, his bellowing rupturing the eardrums of everyone within 10 city blocks. By midnight, Cleveland is nothing but a smoldering crater in the ground.

Soon after, the Republican spin machine springs into action, sending hundreds of lackeys into interviews across the country: "Who do you trust to provide a safer America? A liberal trial lawyer who obviously hates freedom or the all-powerful Prince of Darkness himself, the very being terrorists cower from?"

In the morning, Fox News posts on its web site that, upon Cheney's transformation, not only did Edwards flee the debate in terror, but he pissed himself in the process! CNN, MSNBC and Oprah all pick up the story. However, the story is later proven to be false, and not only did Edwards' trousers remain cool and dry, but he also saved hundreds of innocent children seconds before Cheney destroyed an orphanage. Fox eventually retracts its story, saying the mistake occurred because of fatigue and bad judgment, not malice.

Opinion polls show a very slight bump for the Democrats. Bush continues to rate high on homeland security while Kerry/Edwards receive high marks for not being the personification of pure evil.

Remember, you heard it here first.

Friday, October 1, 2004

Kerry 1, Bush 0

Well, not much really to say about tonight. There's no doubt as to who won the first presidential debate. It will be interesting to see how Bush's handlers spin his fumbling, timid, insecure babbling, especially when compared to John Kerry's confident performance.

Kerry had no problem articulating his point of view in a concise manner, almost always marking the end of his alloted time with a verbal punch. Bush had trouble filling his 2 minutes and often fumbled some random strings of words together as he basically waited for his time to end.

Plus, we no longer have to hear the Bush team brag about how he has never lost a campaign debate.

And even better, after the debate tonight, I no longer feel like I'm voting against Bush. Now I'm voting for John Kerry.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

The answer to the war on terror

Thanks be to this fine gentleman from Beaufort, who has finally solved that nasty little terrorism problem on our hands. All we have to do is ban any religion that can be linked to violence. Hooray! Problem solved! It's a good thing Christianity has never sparked any wars!

This is the kind of idiocy that abounds in my little corner of South Carolina.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Three and out

Walking into the post office this morning, I overheard a conversation between a couple outside the door. Looking up at the flagpole in front of the building, the woman, who was wearing a shirt reading "God Bless America" or some variant of that, noted, "Hey, the flag's halfway down. I wonder who died?" Her companion shrugged his shoulders. They kept walking.

So there you have it... the answer to the question, "How many years does it take some Americans to forget the worst tragedy ever carried out on our home soil?" Apparently, the answer is 3.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

We distort, you can't hide

Isn't this John Kerry war-record bashing getting a little out of hand? It's one camp's word against the other's, and it's not going to be resolved.

I don't care what happened on that swift boat in 1969. I'd rather focus on what the two candidates have done recently and what they are going to do in the future. I guess the Bush administration would rather the country not base their votes on that, and I don't blame them. Makes the decision to vote for Kerry pretty easy.

And really, if Americans were at all concerned with what their presidential candidates were doing 25 years ago, G.W. Bush never would have seen the inside of the White House.

Sorry for yet another political entry, but I saw Outfoxed last night, and it birthed this liberal diatribe. (As well as this one, which is much better than mine.) If it wasn't for The Simpsons, I'd block Fox's signal on my cable box. Alas, I am not that strong.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Again with the politics

I swear the island is going to sink under the weight of all the W '04 bumper stickers around here.

Or maybe Hilton Head will collapse due to all the unnecessary mammoth SUVs they're attached to.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Granny D for Senate

This has got to be the coolest grandma on the planet. I can easily see her taking her opponent ("Young Judd," she calls him, and he's 57) over her knee and giving him whatfor because he's "an enabler of George Bush's neo-con scourge." This lady rocks. I urge all my New Hampshire readers to vote for her in November.

Don't forget to check out her campaign site: grannyd.com.

Thursday, July 1, 2004

The hardships of living in a red state

If you go to fundrace.org and enter in Bluffton's zip (29910), you'll notice my area skews very heavily toward one particular presidential candidate (hint: it's not John Kerry).

I'm not striving to be Mr. Popularity around here, so we slapped up a Kerry bumper sticker at the end of the driveway about a month ago. When we got back from Alaska, it had been torn down.

I know I live in Bush country, and relatively few neighbors share my political views. But I thought the people around here were mature enough to allow other people to express their ideas, even if they disagree. I guess I was wrong.

Which is why I'm stunned that, after only one week in theaters, Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9-11" is coming to Hilton Head tomorrow. It surprised The Packet so much they put it on the front page today. It's just like The Packet - which is, of course, part of the America-hating liberal media - to give the film free press.

Even though Moore is a master at manipulating statistics and words to prove his theories, he's definitely a powerful and persuasive filmmaker who brings up controversial points even the America-hating liberal media won't touch. Which is why I'm seeing it tomorrow.

To make up for the stolen sticker...

Bumper sticker seen in Alaska: "Save the environment. Plant a Bush in Texas."

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

First time for everything

I made my very first political contribution just now. It wasn't much, but it's my little way of giving the status quo the finger.

I'm not all that excited about John Kerry as the Democratic nominee. He's in danger of falling prey to the dreaded Al Gore Syndrome. But I'm sure Kerry will make a decent president, and the alternative has many checking the residency requirements of the gentle Canadians. Actually, Kerry probably will be looked back upon as one of the better presidents in history, seeing how the shoes he has to fill ain't exactly impressive.

So Mr. Kerry, congratulations. You have yanked me out of my tightwad mentality. Take my donation and spend it wisely. Know that I'll be checking on your progress (and my $25) regularly. In closing, I'd like to pass on to you the wise words of Michael Stipe. Indeed, it has been a very bad day.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Darth Nader?

I was annoyed to wake up this morning and see that Ralph Nader had announced he was running for president again.

I'm all for Nader's crusade of lessening corporate influence in government. I'd like to see some viable third parties make their presence felt. But not this year. Getting Bush and his merry bunch of fools out of the White House is too important. The argument Nader makes about Democrats and Republicans being about the same is bullshit, especially when the Republican in question is George W. Bush.

I don't blame Nader for Al Gore's loss in 2000. He certainly didn't help, but Gore lost in 2000 because he failed to point out Bush's lies and basically ran a lifeless campaign. Gore beat himself. In 2000, I didn't like Bush, but I had no idea how bad for this country he could be.

Now I do. A lot of people do. He needs to go. And anything that works counter to that goal, no matter how small the impact, is not something I can support.

Sorry, Ralph.

Thursday, February 5, 2004

Father, turn your back on the Dark Side

The Cap'n is angry.

The last time we talked on the phone, he turned the conversation to politics (I have not had a single phone conversation with him in which this hasn't happened). We don't agree on much because he tends to be a wacko. And very right-wing. (Redundant? You decide.)

In 2000, he voted for Bush. He said he won't make that mistake again. I know there's no way he'll vote Democratic ("Damn Democrats want to let all of Mexico into this country and all of San Francisco into the Army" - the Cap'n, Dec. 2003, BAC 0.16%), but he's not voting for Bush either. He'll vote for some crackpot third party or write in Alan Keyes or something. That's fine. The key is he's not voting for Bush. I'm hoping there's a lot more pissed off Republicans out there thinking along those same lines.

Monday, January 26, 2004

Democratic crapshoot

The South Carolina presidential primary is in a week. That means I have to pick my Democratic horse in this race. I won't bore you with my fantastically detailed and tedious thought process, but the end result is I've eliminated all the candidates one by one until the last one left standing was Wesley Clark.

In November, I guarantee you I'll be voting for whoever's running against BushCorp, LLC. Hopefully, it'll be Clark.

But unfortunately, all the energy I put into making my decision will be for naught, thanks to this guy.

Friday, August 29, 2003

Disappointed but not surprised

I was disappointed to see a full-page ad in today's Packet (the paper I work for) taken out by the Church of the Cross, a beautiful Episcopalian church on the river here in Bluffton. The church felt the need to clarify its position on the recent appointment of a gay Episcopalian bishop in New Hampshire. Not surprisingly, they're not overly happy about the idea. I doubt they'd go to the expense of buying an ad to say, "Hey, this is super." And after all, this is the Bible Belt, and Hilton Head, due to its attractiveness as a retirement destination, is older and more conservative than a lot of other places down here.

I don't understand why the need to make such a public statement on the subject. All this does (in my opinion) is alienate any current and potential gay members of the congregation. It also annoys people -- like me -- who are neither gay nor a member of the church. But if I were trying out churches, I would cross that one off my list. Whatever happened to "Judge not, lest ye be judged"?

Thursday, August 14, 2003

This fiscal responsibility I'm cursed with

Why is it that even though the federal government is billions of dollars in the red, and most, if not all, state budgets are in serious serious trouble, I continue to stubbornly refuse to allow myself to follow their example?

I really want to buy an iPod. A small little $350 expense. Really, not much. I haven't bought one yet because I still have a few bills and some credit card debt to clear first. This is stupid. The American way, as evidenced by the political luminaries running this country, is to spend spend spend without ever worrying about the consequences.

But I simply can't bring myself to do this. I'm too damn responsible. I guess I'm not patriotic.

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

30 years ago

Tonight I watched PBS's documentary looking back at Watergate, now 30 years in the past. Lots of good interviews with some of the key Nixon aides, including John Dean, and some of the senators on the panel investigating the president. The program is very well done; take a look if you get the chance. The scary thing is how many parallels you can draw between the Nixon and Bush administrations: the secrecy, hostility toward Congress and the press, the quick invocation of executive privilege to halt the public release of potentially damaging materials...

Speaking of Bush, he came off sounding like a putz today when speaking about his plans to outlaw gay marriages. Despite his opposition to gays enjoying wedded bliss, Bush didn't want to sound like a complete jerkass homophobe and said his America welcomes all. Ok, a good P.C. statement. BUT... (and with Bush there's always a "but") then he goes and says this: "I am mindful that we're all sinners, and I caution those who may try to take a speck out of the neighbor's eye when they got a log in their own." Huh? Was that a half-assed metaphor or simply a string of words that makes up a mostly grammatically correct but nonsensical sentence?

It's a good thing very few people read this, otherwise my ass might be looking at an IRS audit next year. Fortunately, my books are clean.

Saturday, June 14, 2003

Why is this news?


A top headline on a portal site (in the National News section) reads: Rain Cancels President's Golf Game... who gives a shit? Well, I guess I do because not only did I click the link, I felt the need to write about it.

I guess it's too much to hope that since the President -- the most powerful man on the planet -- can't play golf this afternoon, then maybe he'll actually do some work. Bush is like Peter Gibbons from "Office Space" when he confesses to the consultants by saying, "I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work."

I wish I had as much vacation time as Bush. Although I certainly wouldn't spend much of it in Texas.

By the way, if you've never seen "Office Space", shame on you. Run (don't walk) to your nearest video store and rent it. NOW.

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