Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Soapbox interrupted

I paid over 4 bucks a gallon for gas for the first time. $4.03 to be exact. Which is not bad considering my office is next to the airport, and all the stations nearby jack up their prices to fleece the rental car returners (it's $4.36 for unleaded across the street, and thank you for donating your last $60 of vacation money to California's economy).

But I don't really mind. Sure, it sucks to watch the numbers keep going higher, but the constant increase in the price of gas is probably necessary to get the U.S. to start exploring alternative energy sources. As soon as those in the higher tax brackets have to haul their crap home from Wal-Mart using (gasp!) public transportation, then we'll start to see pressure to develop electric and hydrogen-powered vehicles. In fact, I believe the whole country's economy hinges upon this and with the globalization we see today, it willHOLY CRAP that new Weezer song is freakin' awesome!

Posted by Brian at 9:15 AM
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Category: Rant

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The giant office time suck

You think the NCAA tournament results in millions of lost work hours each year? (My pick in the pool, by the way: UCLA over Tennessee.) That's a drop in the bucket compared to the shenanigans a-brewin' when the office United Way campaign cranks up.

I have nothing against the United Way. They do good work, and I've heard that most of the dough they raise goes directly to charitable aid, rather than mailings or overhead. That's super. But holy shit, the sheer amount of time and effort offices like mine put into their annual UW drive is jaw-dropping.

My office is conducting the following over the next 10 days: barbecue lunch, multiple bake sales, poker tournament, theme baskets, 2-on-2 basketball tournament (in which Alejandro and I will avenge our last-second loss from last year), an unholy abomination called Penny Wars, a potluck dinner, and of course the outright asking for money. All of which are announced - often multiple times per day - via companywide e-mail blasts featuring 1 MB worth of gaudy graphics that instantly crash the Outlook server.

I would bet that if you add up the employee hours dedicated to planning, announcing, executing, recovering from and self-congratulating over these events and compare that to the actual dollar amount raised, the company would come out ahead by simply writing a check for the same sum to the United Way. But then we would be deprived of stuffing a five-spot into the Penny War jar of those bastards in Advertising.

Posted by Brian at 11:16 PM
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Category: Rant

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Know what really grinds my gears?

People who back into parking spaces.

I'll be more specific. People who back into parking spaces and take approximately 8-12 weeks to do so.

If you can back into a parking space in the same amount of time it takes an average driver to pull forward into one, have at it. More power to you. I've even met one. I've yet to meet the other. But if you're lining up for your 10th crack at backing in, don't get mad at me because I'm honking at you to get out of my way. Be ashamed of yourself for purchasing that tank of an SUV that probably would take you at least four tries to park forward successfully.

Why do you need to back in anyway? I can think of only one reason: you're robbing a bank and need to make a quick getaway. But if you're simply returning a movie to Blockbuster, and it takes you longer to reverse-maneuver your Honda than it took you to watch that copy of "Titanic," I have one word for you: Netflix. And get better taste in movies.

And that's what really grinds my gears. Back to you, Tom.

Posted by Brian at 11:41 PM
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Category: Rant

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Security breach locked down

Sorry about the new security feature in the comments. It became necessary after I had to delete over 200 junk comments in the past 24 hours. I set it up in about 20 minutes at 1 a.m. last night so it's entirely possible that it is still in the beta stage. Drop me an e-mail if you run into problems.

I knew this day would come eventually, but I figured it would be because of Viagra or porn or penny stocks. But no... the product being pitched was incredibly boring: artificial Christmas trees. The URL listed didn't even work. I am not impressed by the quality of spam these days.

Posted by Brian at 10:49 PM
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Category: Rant

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Well, it does beat Alcatraz...

National Geographic Traveler magazine has ranked the five best and worst island destinations in the world. I've never been to the four worst, but I do have intimate knowledge of the fifth: Hilton Head Island.

The reasons given "monotonous in a squeaky-clean way" and "poster boy for tourism development gone wild" are pretty weak. That latter one isn't even close to being true; look at the (admittedly non-island) destinations of Myrtle Beach and Orlando for much better examples of uncontrolled tourism growth. And with the reasons given, ranking Hilton Head almost as bad as #4 Jamaica, where vacation houses list armed guards among the amenities, is pretty silly.

Now I know what you're all thinking... "Brian is defending Hilton Head? Isn't Hilton Head the place he bitched about until he finally moved away and shut up about it last year?"

Let's not be too hasty.

I said the ranking was harsh - based on the reasons listed. If the anonymous experts had used better arguments, you could make the case. A mention of how native islanders (almost all of whom are black) are being taxed off their ancestors' land; the crappy way Hispanic immigrants (legal or not) are treated even though the island's economy would crash without them; the general intolerance of anything not conservative, wealthy and white; and the mess just over the bridge in Bluffton, and you may have earned yourself a #5 ranking.

Although it is fun to read how island officials try to spin this.

Posted by Brian at 11:53 PM
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Category: Rant

Thursday, August 2, 2007

9:45 to 10 p.m.: Fell into black hole

"They're talking about Palm Springs on TV!" Debz yelled.

I walked into the living room and was immediately dismayed that the "they" in question was Kathy Griffin doing stand-up. Notice the use of "stand-up" instead of "stand-up comedy."

Her act recounted a recent trip to Palm Springs in which her two dogs shit all over her suite in the swankiest hotel in the valley. The audience laughed - hard - a phenomenon that can be attributed to only two possibilities: 1. They were paid handsomely to do so; or 2. Creative editing spliced in audiences attending shows of comedians who are actually funny.

Kathy Griffin, you owe me 15 minutes of my life back.

Posted by Brian at 10:35 PM
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Category: Rant

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Mercury rising

While Debz and I were driving to lunch today, I checked her car's clock to make sure we weren't running late. As a punctual and responsible employee, I am never late.

"Holy crap!" I said. "We're late! My sense of time is all screwed up. I thought it was just after noon, but it's already 1:13."

Debz glanced at the dash. "That's not the time, that's the temperature."

Now, as the sun has just set, we're down to a cool 104. Better break out the long johns because tomorrow only will be a high of 108. Welcome to summer in the desert. Or as I call it, "Four straight months of me bitching about the heat."

Posted by Brian at 8:40 PM
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Category: Rant

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Now they're not even trying

Like most people, I get occasional e-mails from friends such as Wretched Q. Icicle or Reginald E. Intercourse who write to say hi and remind me that I'm almost out of Ci@li$.

But the e-mail I received overnight from a Mr. (or is it Ms.?) Junk Mail hits a new low in spam naming conventions. What's even more puzzling is how that one slipped through Time Warner's built-in junk filter. I mean, I'm sure security checkpoint personnel, even when distracted by the fetching Soledad O'Brien on the CNN Airport Channel, would at least question a potential air passenger named Bomby P. Terrorist.

Although without my friend Junk's assistance, I'd foolishly still be paying full price for my X@n@x.

Posted by Brian at 10:37 AM
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Category: Rant

Friday, January 26, 2007

What part of 10 don't you understand?

I'm pretty sure it's a mathematical impossibility to purchase $225.64 worth of groceries and still abide by the 10 Items Or Less rule in the express lane.

Ok, it may be theoretically possible to pull this off at gourmet stores like Whole Foods or Trader Joe's, but if you're spending that much at Vons (which is Californian for "Safeway"), you are blatantly flouting the rules. And I believe punishment is merited. The bag boy should be able to radio the cart kid in the parking lot and notify him of which knees to go after.

Yes, I know it's Friday, and that should put me in a good mood, but since I was at the store buying chicken soup, orange juice, ice cream and Sudafed, this should be sufficient explanation as to why I felt such annoyance at Mr. 28 in front of me in line.

(Because the Weekly World News only holds my attention for so long, yes, I was counting. And even if Mr. 28 thinks he can pass off 8 boxes of Hot Pockets off as one item, he's still grossly over the limit.)

Posted by Brian at 5:07 PM
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Category: Rant

Sunday, October 1, 2006

We're moving to California, but will our stuff make it?

The movers came today, and I can safely say that it was the single most frustrating business encounter I've ever had.

First off, the truck showed up 90 minutes late because of an apparent MapQuest breakdown. Then the one fella in the truck asked where the other 2 or 3 guys were. I certainly didn't know, and the driver was saying things like, "Well, guess we'll have to do this tomorrow." Uh, no. Which we told him, and he reluctantly began his work.

The lone gunman began by swinging open the back of the truck... causing some poor schlub's life to crash to the ground. I distinctly heard at least two different shattering sounds, and some kid is gonna burst into tears next time he sees his 10-speed.

I will give the guy credit for busting his ass to get all our stuff loaded by 5 p.m. Because of the insurance, we couldn't help him, but there were a couple things (bed, couch) that simply weren't getting on the truck without a second pair of hands.

Debz and I debated on the tip, and decided to give the guy a decent one because he had to go it alone and more importantly, because he was in possession of all our stuff. Stiffing him on the tip probably was not in our best interests.

So now everything's on its way to southern California via New Jersey, which should baffle anyone who's even remotely geographically literate. I have zero confidence that it actually will get there. Tomorrow night, we'll be on our way as well.

Bye bye, South Carolina. It's been fun, but I really didn't see where this relationship was headed.